Lips to lips. Maybe some tongue. Maybe even more tongue.

Ah, kissing.

What a wonderful thing (though I only vaguely remember it these days…).

Still, people have been getting just UP IN ARMS about rampant kissing. (Personally, I think you can NEVER Kiss or Hug people enough.)

But on this show called The Bachelor, folks are just crazy about it. The word that they use to describe our Bachelor Ben, who has been doing a LOT of kissing, and it’s only Episode 3 of this season is “Slut.” (They do this nonsense on The Bachelorette, too, though girls don’t usually do the rampant kissing until much later in the season.)

I have a lot of opinions about this, mostly along the lines of “Oh America, you are so prudish, get over your damn selves,” variety. Mostly they are these, though.

First of all, both The Bachelor and The Bachelorette are silly shows. Totally silly. They were classy and fun at the beginning, but now they are just silly. Example: on tonight’s show (which I watch, live blog and actually pick up followers on Twitter when I do. Sigh.) they had these girls IN BIKINIS skiiing down a hill in San Francisco. (Don’t ask.)

It used to be a show about discovering each other, and who you like and maybe falling in love, and now it’s all obstacle courses and nonsense. Still, I watch.

So, for the record, I am vehemently and absolutely against all the crap that wouldn’t happen on a normal date. Like skiing in San Francisco. *eyeroll* In BIKINIS. *double eyeroll* Or, the other Bachelor de rigueur item, for whatever reason (can I PLEASE shoot the producer who thought up this pathetic crap?), they take whoever it is over some ridiculously high place, and have them “conquer their fears” together. Tonight (it was a stupidity double-feature on this episode), they had the two prospective lovers climbing up the San Francisco bridge.

NONSENSE. Stuff and nonsense and stupidity.

But I, who am spoiled on Survivor, where you actually have REAL moments and unscripted TV in a reality show, live for the REAL moments. So yeah, it was kinda cool when poor Emily is scared out of her bloody wits, and can’t walk up this stupid bridge one step further, and Ben kisses her. That was kinda cool.

Which brings me again to my point.

Kissing.

Kissing smooths out many a rough spot on the rocky road to a relationship. Furthermore, if I were faced (God help me) with a choice of roughly 30 hot hunks to choose from, hopefully to pick my husband from among them (OK, that would never happen, and if it did, I’d make the producers go back to square one about 80 times when they keep bringing in these model and actor types, instead of real men. So, OK, I could never actually be on this show.)…but let’s just say hypothetically…

I’m on the show. I must pick from these assembled 30 guys. There is only so much surface judgment one can do. Everyone looks good at the beginning, especially the way they are all trussed up like prize pigs in front of you. So how do you decide?

On Disney-owned ABC, during prime time? The only thing YOU CAN do is kiss them. You can tell a lot about a person’s kiss. Both in the doing and giving of it, and the watching. Like Ben’s favorite, Courtney. She’s favored because she’s a model and is “so beautiful.” (Men are so stupid sometimes…) So is he not noticing that when he kisses her, in front of a dramatic San Francisco skyline, she’s making sure that the camera has her best side? (Instead of, you know, KISSING HIM?)

I’m actually of the opinion that you can tell the whole relationship in a kiss. You can certainly tell if this person is going to be sexually compatible with you. Yes, yes you can.

So, I say, Ben, kiss away! Kiss freely and with abandon. Kiss every one of these girls on every show. Kiss until you want to kiss no more.

Kissing, after all, is still in the chaste category, for those who throw the “slut” term around too readily. One could kiss for days and never get pregnant.

They had a wonderful thing on this horrible episode of The Bachelor, too. Just after Ben and Emily kissed, fireworks lit up the sky above them. I’m sure it was planned and stage managed, cause that shot was perfect, but man, it was nice. I wish The Bachelor would do more stuff like that. Back to the ROMANCE of it. That is, after all, why people watch.

And if all these lame writers/producers of The Bachelor can come up with for creating romance is to have someone climb up really high above some city, then they need to get out more. Romance is all about intimacy and being real with someone.

They could, actually, take a few lessons from Survivor. Survivor’s out there battling good and evil in very real ways, just from the people they choose to have on the show. You’re telling me that no one in Hollywood knows what ROMANCE is about anymore?

Come over here, I’ll whisper it in your ear.

It’s about KISSING.

When I was five years old, I took some of my favorite fairy tales and rewrote them. My mom thought it was weird. I knew in that moment, I was meant to be a writer.

I think of that when I watch this reworking of many fairy tales, with a twist. “All of our favorite” fairy tale characters are here: Snow White, Cinderella, Rumplestiltskin, the evil Queen, heck, even Jiminy Cricket. (I didn’t think Disney characters counted as “fairy tale characters,” but I digress.

The premise is this: The fairy tale characters have been transported to modern times, and they no longer remember who they are/were. Their “happy endings” have been stolen (I know the feeling!), and they need one particular woman to get them back. A shaky premise perhaps.

Why it succeeds as a TV show is this: Ginnifer Goodwin as the role she was born to play, Snow White; and Lana Parrilla as the Evil Queen. Throw in a dash of the evil Robert Carlyle as Rumplestilskin/Mr. Gold and you have ratings gold.

Well, also why it’s succeeding is because you have people who worked on Lost (producers Adam Horowitz and Edward Kitsis) and a writer from Buffy, the Vampire Slayer (one of the best shows ever on TV) (and that would be Jane Espenson) working on it. (And why have no females directed any of these episodes? Boggles the mind.

Ginnifer Goodwin is always wonderful to watch, and evil Lana Parrilla has never been better. They really make these fairy tale characters come to life. Robert Carlyle chews off huge hunks of that scenery, but is fun to watch.

The first few episodes (including the wondrous “Snow Falls”) are quite amusing. By the Cinderella storyline (“The Price of Gold”), they were kinda losing me. Cinderella was pretty boring compared to Goodwin and Parrilla. Plus, Snow White’s beloved is named Prince Charming, and there’s quite a bit of wonderful banter back and forth about that. Then Cinderella’s story comes up, and isn’t her Prince also named Charming? They kinda don’t even give the guy a name, other than “Thomas.” Um, ok.

So, they are using the bits of fairy tales we know and kind of fabricating whatever they need to flesh out their own stories. With the whole Snow White/Evil Queen thing, it’s working quite well. Cinderella kinda failed.

I mean, as fairy tales go, Cinderella is at least as big a deal as Snow White (most little girls would say moreso), and we don’t even get to see her pumpkin carriage. We go from her sweeping to her having a nice dress on, and then POOF! She’s married. And then with child.

So, if they are going to rush through the big fairy tales like this (although I didn’t mind, cause the actress was dreadful), what’s left for further seasons? In fact, Snow White’s child (Jennifer Morrison, not quite up to the acting talents of Parrilla or Goodwin) is back in town, and she’s on the mystery. So once she solves it, which could be by the end of the season, then what?

Quite unclear. Doesn’t really seem anywhere for them to go after that.

But in the best episode so far, “Snow Falls,” we discover how Snow White and Prince Charming met (and wouldn’t you know it? He’s married/engaged to someone else. (Depending on which of the time frames you are in.) Although in both of them, it’s quite clear that he’s really in love with Snow White.

Did you know Prince Charming’s real name? It’s James. The banter between them is charming, not inspid.

I really liked the show, I just hope that they get back to the Snow White/evil Queen dynamic as often as possible. That is what is truly magical here.

It really and truly should be a comedian of some flavor, because it needs to be someone who will keep on with the funny when people are staring at him/her blankly.

It should be someone who knows Hollywood and isn’t too fanlike about it (Rosie O’Donnell can sit down). But someone who is also sufficiently deferential to it. (David Letterman can sit WAY down and take both Uma and Oprah with him.)

It should be someone who can sing and dance, so the old standbys come to mind: Hugh Jackman (busy with that Les Miz movie), Neil Patrick Harris (busy with his TV show). Billy Crystal has just done it too much. He also needs to sit down.

Someone who thinks quickly on their feet, preferably someone comfortable with improve or standup, cause stuff happens at the Oscars that you just have to be prepared for, and willing to go off script for. (Steve Martin can sit WAY down.)

While we’re at it, forget the youngsters (especially after the “talking too freely” that got Brett Ratner bounced, we have to have some older dude or dudette who isn’t going to let the wrong thing slip. Who knows the meaning of politically correct, yet is savvy enough to know who to take jabs at (and who NOT TO). Please sit Ricky Gervais down and shut him the hell up. And while you’re at it, take that drink out of his hand.

So, in short, someone who’s polite, savvy about Hollywood, works hard enough to step in to this madness quickly, someone who can sing and dance or at least tell a good joke.
My own personal short list would be this: Craig Ferguson or Jimmy Fallon (though, this being ABC, probably not likely), Dan Finnerman (from “the Dan Band”)—he would rock it!, Marc Maron, Chris Hardwick, Jay Mohr.

Women? There aren’t too many choices there. Kathy Griffin comes to mind, but she has the sassy mouth that got Ratner bounced. You know who would be a fantastic female Oscar host? Loni Love! She would rock that Kodak. And you know she looks great in some gowns.

Or maybe Ricki Lake, after she wins Dancing with the Stars, to promote her new talk show? Nah. Loni Love would be better.

Those would be my final choices: either Dan Finnerman or Loni Love.

Boy, would those be some fun Oscars. Enough with the overpriced, full of themselves celebs and young people who haven’t got a clue. These two have been around the block a time or two.

Another wacky, but perfect choice? Ross Matthews. You know he respects the Oscars enough. It may even compensate for his youth and inexperience. He’d be a great choice.

What say you?
***************************************************

But let me explain a bit more the world as I see it. On the one hand, we have strong fervent intellectuals who care about each other and the environment (Michael Moore, Susan Sarandon, Tim Robbins, Angela Davis, Marianne Williamson are among those who’ve spoken at one #OccupyAmerica protest or another.). On the other side, you can pick any antagonist: the Koch Brothers; Herman Cain, bought by the Kochs; any of the Wall Street bankers who should be in jail right now; Dick Cheney, war criminal; any of countless others.

For this article, however, I choose to focus on the travesty that is Kim Kardashian. If ever there were a Marie Antoinette among the sorry lot, she is ours.

On the one side, we have people starving because they can’t find work, living on the streets because their homes have been foreclosed, unemployment’s run out and the Republicans won’t give us any more. Many millions of you can fill in this blank. It’s too sad and depressing.

But, on the other side, we have the family Kardashian, most notably Kim, who is arguably the prettiest. One might be comfortable admiring her for her beauty if only she remained quiet and didn’t wreak such havoc on our senses.

Remember back when “reality TV” started? And I mean back in the days when it wasn’t scripted, when what was happening was really real? (Only Survivor still remains so.) For the others, we have some writers somewhere coming up with grand scenarios for our viewing pleasures, to distract us from the travesties at home. The worst, the absolute worst of these (yes, in many ways even worse than the Jersey Shore nonsense and those “Housewives”) is the Kardashian clan.

I’m not sure exactly HOW MANY shows they have on E!, but if it’s even more than one, that’s too many. They just always seem to be on the channel when I skim around. Living a life of boredom and idle richness. Getting mad at a boyfriend because he playfully pushes her in the lake when she is wearing $35,000 earrings. Mindless things like that. Supposed to, I suppose, make us jealous. In fact, it makes me as sick as those Housewives do (not that I watch either, but they do cross my consciousness FAR too much).

I suppose a Kardashian show or eight would be bad enough (and it is). But the worst, the trainwreck of which I speak that makes me want to throw up as I type this is the wedding.

Mind you, the rest of the country (if I may speak for all of you here) is pretty much living frugally, scrimping, saving, trying desperately to make ends meet. We are all about authenticity. We seek transparency in our social media and government. We speak truth to each other, cause brother, that’s all we’ve got left these days.

In the Kardashian world, it’s all made-up nonsense (well, except the part about her liking the black boys). She was (that would be Kim) was flabbergasted that people who meet her on the street “actually believe” that the stories being pumped at us by E! are thought to be true. Well, yes, cause that’s the way WE live. In our own truth.

Miss Kardashian and company, who became famous solely because their father got murderer OJ an acquital, well, and maybe because she has a nice butt, live in the Land of Denial. Everything is fake. Her nails, her scenarios and, as it turns out, her boyfriends and husbands.

Now, for those blissfully living in other countries, and missing all this Americana, let me school you. The tabloid-trash TV channel E! saw that Prince marries a commoner thing happening in England, and decided it wanted that for its very self. Cause after all, according to them (I’m so not making this up, “The Kardashians are our country’s royalty.”) Really? In what universe? Say “the Kennedys” and you could have a discussion. But “the Kardashians”? HARDLY.

Mind you, again, this is a country where people are desperate for jobs, where they know the existence of every soup kitchen just so they can get some food.

The Kardashians were gifted extravagances in the vicinity of $17MILLION + for their wedding. Kim’s wedding to some jamoke. SEVENTEEN MILLION DOLLARS and counting. (Counting because her dress was gifted, her shoes were gifted, etc.) The $17M was just for the WEDDING ITSELF.

It was a lavish spectacle of hype, which I was so sickened by, I scrupulously avoided it like the plague. But I couldn’t help being bombarded by E!’s nonstop hype-o-rama of it. Two weeks before: Here Comes the Kardashian Wedding! Only on E!
Every day: “Bet you can’t wait, the Kardashian Wedding! America’s Royalty” and blah and blah and blah some more…

The TWO DAY SPECIAL was hyped nearly every hour. TWO DAYS to broadcast this monstrousity in its entirety. This lovefest. This joining of two fame whores in splashy E! garish union. Cameras everywhere. Other fame whores in attendance, or E! stalwarts.

Chelsea Handler, who is one of the few decent things on E!, did not attend. A member of her regular troupe of players did. Cause really, who are Kim Kardashian’s actual friends? People that E! pays work just fine.

The whole wedding got me pretty steamed. Or nauseated, depending on the day.

The after-examination as E!’s other stalwart, Joan Rivers, dished the gowns of people in attendance. Oh, did I mention? Kim had THREE. THREE wedding gowns. One for the ceremony, one for the reception. I don’t even know what the other one was for. For the hop into the limo to head to the honeymoon? Who knows? Who cares? I wish I didn’t know these stupid facts. (You can imagine how ever-pervasive this nonsense had to be: I was studiously avoiding all mention of this crap, and still I gleaned bits here and there of data about it.)

But now, 73 days later, 73 days and $17M squandered later, this marriage made in TV heaven is no more. The divorce papers are on their way. And that makes me even angrier.

I was thinking of that other reality show (the only real one left), Survivor, which this season has the evil Russell Hantz’s nephew, Brandon, fighting out between Good and Evil. In interview, he said he was “trying to reclaim his family’s good name.”

Tonight, the day after the divorce announcement, the “good Kardashian”, brother Rob was hoofing out his angst on Dancing with the Stars. He didn’t say it, but he’s doing the only thing possible to “redeem his family’s good name.” Showing the benefits of actual hard work. (As his boorish, ill-mannered sisters heckle and jeer from the sidelines, there’s Rob, who feels like he doesn’t fit in with his family.) All I can say to you, Rob, is: Good thing. They make me want to throw up.

I sincerely cannot even look at any of them anymore. Please God, make them go away.

They’ve got fabulous costumes and makeup (and an amazing new set this season). Lots of lights and sparkle make them look good. What they do seem to be lacking this season is some kind of director.

One who, for example, will tell the boisterous, raucous crowd, YES, even those Kardashians, to shut the hell up, because the judges and the opinion of the judges is what’s most important (at least until the public votes, anyway). Who the hell made these Kardashians so darned important? Their brother is dancing, and you see them, front row, talking back to the judges, hogging camera time. Get over it.

Same kind of beside the point nonsense went on last season when mama Palin was there to watch her daughter Bristol go WAY WAY WAY further in that competition than she ever should have. Pathetic and sad, and happily there was a public outcry that still hasn’t died down.

But, for better or for worse, and despite the screaming obnoxious throngs, we are now down to the last seven contestants. Among them, one I consider to be one of the worst (even before last night), soccer player Hope Solo.

I saw her dance last night, but I have to admit, I think she is so dreadful I was consciously trying not to watch her. Plus, I find Maks to be really sexy, so it’s easy to watch him instead.

The judges, in commenting, said it was “one of her worst dances.” Len, in his comments, noted that it was better that she’s not wearing heels, as they seem to throw off her dancing. In Len’s defense, I think this is a valid comment. She doesn’t seem at all comfortable with the “girly” part of this dancing thing.

Maks, before the judging even finished, went off on poor Len. Maks was pissed that the judges worry about something so superficial as a heel. He stormed off moments later to his on-camera interview and said, “It’s MY SHOW!”

Really? When did it become Maks’ show? Len’s been there since the beginning, too, has he not? Did I miss something? Or is it just Maks’ overwhelming arrogance?

Also in defense of Len, these contestants are, by and large, terrible. They are not dancers. The professionals try to dance circles around them, to not let the public know that they are really terrible, but they are. (Except for nearly professional dancer Nicole Scherzinger a couple of seasons ago, who rightly won the trophy. She was a joy to watch.)

And Len, by this point, must run out of things to say that don’t crush these people completely, yet accurately point out their mistakes. Hope Solo deserved (and got) bad scores for this dance. I sincerely hope that she is voted out tomorrow night. Between her bad dancing and Maks’ arrogance, they both need to sit this one out, and let some of the actually good and respectful dancers come to the forefront.

Maks should take a cue from Derek Hough. He’s been there “since the beginning too.” As far as I know, it’s “his show” too, in fact moreso than Maks, since he’s won more Mirror Ball Trophies from his dancing/choreography. You don’t see him getting all arrogant and in Len’s face about judging marks. They just try harder next week.

For that matter (although I’m currently rooting for David Arquette), I hope that Ricki Lake wins this season. She is working her butt off, and Derek is providing truly inspired choreography (something only Derek Hough and Mark Ballas seem to be able to do on this show). THEIR choreography lifts even the worst dancers into realms they could only dream of, if the “celebrity” is capable of doing it. Who knows? Maks could have fantastic choreography, that Hope isn’t even capable of carrying out. (I did really like Maks’s season with Erin Andrews. That dancing was truly inspired. And his season with Kirstie Alley was pretty fun, too. Can’t always have great partners, Maks.)

In any case, I thought Len and Maks’ little spat was really unprofessional and out of line. They need to stop and get back to the dancing.

*************************************************

Let’s for a minute revisit the old direction. Survivor started out eons ago now, with conniving, back-stabbing Richard Hatch winning its first season (you remember him, he later ended up in jail for tax evasion). Throughout its seasons, it has pretty much been thus, too. Lying, cheating, backstabbing, blindsiding people who trust you. That’s how you win.

But its strength, right from that very first episode, has been in listening. In letting people do what they do, and letting things happen. That first outburst by Sue at Tribal Council still gives me chills if I think about it. People are funny, and people will surprise you.

That is really what has kept Survivor at the top of its game all these years, and is, frankly, why Jeff Probst keeps scooping up those Emmys every year (well-deserved). They let people do their thing and they capture it on camera.

But something really significant happened last season. While there had been many backstabbing moments captured on film, this was different. These last couple of seasons of Survivor have added a new wrinkle called Redemption Island. Where you aren’t voted out immediately, you kind of go to a holding area, to fight one last battle for your survival.

The brilliant thing about this new thing is that the Survivors who get sent there are pretty much removed from all the pre-planned and produced hoopla going on with the others. They are pretty much on their own, for days or weeks sometimes.

Matt was the contestant who changed the path of Survivor. You see, Matt believed in God. Strongly. And you’d see him on Redemption Island, getting spiritual, connecting with God, then winning all these challenges. Survivor producers may not have originally planned it that way, but it turned out to be great TV.

Sometimes competitors would get to hang out for a bit, before they had to do battle. Such a thing happened with Matt and an opponent from the opposite team. They were on opposing teams on Survivor, but in the team of religion, they were on the same side. They shared Bible verses with each other, and prayed before their battle.

And here was the moment, as stunning a Survivor moment as that first outburst by Sue when she described Richard as a rat. One competitor on Redemption Island lost. Matt was left behind to fight another later. As the competitor left, he turned and gave his Bible to Matt. “You need it more than me right now,” he said. It was stunning, heart-wrenching. Poignant. Real.

Ratings gold.

And also, brought up a whole new question, one which had been bounced around, in some contestants here or there through the seasons, but usually played down. What if there was a different kind of Survivor? What if you picked people who had a very strong faith, of whatever kind? People who might play Survivor with integrity instead of the old, played-out backstabbing mold? What if you quietly, but surely, looked at the various contestants to see how they make it through their days? What types of prayers do they share? When do they call on God, and how?

And most importantly, is the structure of Survivor such that you cannot win without cheating, lying and back-stabbing? It is, after all these seasons, a thrilling question. A compelling spin on an old game.

We are two episodes into this new season of Survivor: South Pacific. Another recent new wrinkle: contestants from past seasons are brought back. Last season, two “villains” returned: Rob Mariano (who ended up winning) and Russell Hantz (possibly the most hated and evil manipulative player ever). This season, a new direction. The two brought back were known for their spirituality.

Cheerful loving Ozzy, and “Coach,” who was primarily known for meditating and doing yoga on the beach. Right out of the gate, both are molding their teams, not through sneaky manipulation (lying to this one or that), but by trying to function through integrity. Being truthful to their tribemates.

In a really bizarre wrinkle (it’s almost like a parallel-universe Survivor), evil Russell Hantz’s nephew is on the show. Except, he’s the exact opposite. He quotes Bible verse, and gets so troubled when he tells a lie that he has to blurt out the truth, sometimes at very inopportune moments. He is physically struggling with lust in Ep. 2. He endeavors to get the object of his lust booted out, since “I’m a married man. I can’t have her around.” It’s fascinating.

There are hints that in the next episode, he’s struggling with the good and bad sides of his nature.

And it’s not just these three. Ozzy, whom contestant Dawn had called “Bob Marley” just a bit earlier for his free spirit, calms Dawn down when she freaks out a bit, after realizing the tough conditions of actual Survivor. Jeff Probst (whom I take for a very spiritual man himself) always says that Survivor will “kick your ass.” Sometimes it takes awhile to see this, as contestants get emaciated and pass out, or quit. Sometimes it shows up right away.

Dawn, whom I love, cause I can relate to her so much, seems very tightly wound. Very much in control in her normal life. Suddenly in an out-of-control situation. You can imagine. But there, in a deeply spiritual moment, Ozzy the veteran, stops what he’s doing, to counsel Dawn. Tells her (what is obvious to us) that she’s “got what it takes.” (I think she’s got what it takes to win, too.)

And really, the truth of Survivor always has been that you have to push yourself to limits you didn’t know you could get through. There was a moment last season, where two tough talking chickies pulled all sorts of shenanigans, but one week of solid rain brought them to their knees. They both quit.

Since then, new rules have been put into place about the whole quitting thing. It was a Survivor disgrace. To say nothing of the thievery and pushing down people with one leg. It got very nasty. Maybe this is a karmic way for Survivor to get its good mojo back.

Other cast members have their own methods of religion or connection with the Universe. One calls upon her Native American roots, and prays to their gods. Another, a gay policeman, talks about how now he “has nothing to lose.” Each, in their own way, seems to be on a spiritual quest of some kind.

Of course, TV is about conflict, so amidst all these do-gooders, you have to have some evil. We have a poker playing pot seller (medical), a scheming selfish shrewish woman (who’s already been voted out), and maybe a couple of others. But it really looks like this season, the good guys are going to win. Or at least those connected to God. You really should watch.

********************

In other Survivor news, host Jeff Probst continues to push the envelope with social media. Last season, he simultaneously Tweeted to first the East Coast, then the West Coast, as each’s episode aired. It was wonderful. So far this time, he is only Tweeting for one show, but he’s also adding an element called “Tout,” where he can post video segments (answering fan questions during the commercials). It is the most effective use of social media from any show I’ve seen on TV. Great way to get the fans involved–and watching in real time.

All great reasons to tune in to Survivor: South Pacific. It’s going to be a good season, God told me so.

That image, of Kyle Chandler (truly not expecting to win), and the favorite, Jon Hamm truly looking stunned he didn’t, keeps staying with me.

That, and the Best Actress in a Comedy beauty contest pageant lineup (dreamed up by Amy Poehler and Martha Plimpton) that ended up with long-overdue winner (for Gilmore Girls, not just Mike & Molly) Melissa McCarthy ending up with a tiara on her head, and roses in her hands, in addition to an Emmy.

Melissa McCarthy with a tiara. Kyle Chandler, nearly speechless. The good guys winning. That’s what this Emmys brought.

Many of my predictions (Peter Dinklage for Game of Thrones Best Supporting Actor, Drama; Julianna Margulies for Best Actress, Drama; Ty Burrell for Best Supporting Actor, Comedy) seemed easy to me, and came true (I had a 16-9 record). But it was the ones I thought were too good to actually happen that did.

Kyle Chandler, Melissa McCarthy. I had actually predicted “Always” to win Writing, but I thought it too sweet, too perfect to happen. Like Martin Scorcese, winning for Direction in Drama for Boardwalk Empire. It seemed like it must happen, I predicted it, but it seemed so far outside what everyone else was predicting.

I was wrong about Julie Bowen, though I was right about most of the rest of the Modern Family cavalcade. Both Jane Lynch and Julie Bowen triumphed thru being submitted on their competitors’ tapes this year. I’m really glad it was Bowen who pulled it out.

And when Peter Dinklage got up there (the common wisdom varied, usually centering on either John Slattery or Josh Charles), taking a statue for the Lannisters, all felt right with the world. So, too, when Margo Martindale (whom I also had predicted) got to the stage. It was like there was a collective “Awwww” heard all through Hollywood. Here was a working actress who had been one of those “jobbers” who’s constantly working in series after series, being recognized for what a great actress she actually is.

That was the tenor and the fabric of this year’s Emmys. No glossy winners who didn’t deserve it. Jeff Probst had won again at the Creative Arts Emmys last week (so very deserving). The Daily Show, deservedly, collected its stash of trophies. (So very deserving.) Kate Winslet and Guy Pearce, who made Mildred Pierce come alive, picked up theirs.

Stately Downtown Abbey won its share, including for Maggie Smith.

In fact, I can’t think of one winner where I thought, Oh, that’s so wrong, that person/show didn’t deserve it. And, for me, the ones I missed I credit to the fact that I hadn’t yet watched their tapes (Jim Parsons for Best Actor, Comedy; although everyone else was predicting Steve Carrell, anyway).

Let me speak to that for a moment. People who predict Emmys (for a living, even) often choose based on who is “due” or who seems to be hot at the moment. I believe firmly that the driving factor in choice is the tape in front of that Emmy voter, compared against the next tape. Perhaps, if, for example, Martha Plimpton and Melissa McCarthy both had brilliant and funny tapes, and a voter can’t decide, they will go to “Oh yeah, she’s been working in the industry for so long, she deserves it,” or “I loved her in Bridesmaids, so I’m going to pick her.” Perhaps it works like that. With the tape being 85% of the decision, and all things being equal, other factors being added in after that point.

Others, including big Emmy gurus, predict people like Steve Carrell because of the sentimentality, the picture they’d like to paint, that “well, it’s his last year on The Office,” of course people are finally going to give it to him.” I don’t think that factors in at all. (Or within 10-15%, at most.) I erred in my prognostications this year because I bought into the hype, thinking that Betty White, back together with Mary Tyler Moore in her tape, would be Emmy catnip.

Really, what counted was that in both Jane Lynch’s case and Julie Bowen’s case, they were on TWO tapes that Emmy voters watched. And since Lynch won last year, it was a simple choice.

I use these factors to make my Emmy prognostication better next time around.

But until then, go seek out Friday Night Lights, if you haven’t already. Cause you know: Clear eyes, Full hearts can’t lose. Congrats to all.

Just a quick list. Will have more detailed explanation in my podcast, MBH116, which should be out tomorrow.

VARIETY SERIES
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

REALITY COMPETITION
The Amazing Race

MOVIE/MINI SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Maggie Smith, Downton Abbey

MOVIE/MINI SUPPORTING ACTOR
Guy Pearce, Mildred Pierce

MOVIE/MINI ACTRESS
Kate Winslet, Mildred Pierce

MOVIE/MINI ACTOR
Edgar Ramirez, Carlos

BEST MOVIE/MINISERIES
Mildred Pierce

COMEDY SUPPORTING ACTOR
Ty Burrell, Modern Family

COMEDY SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Betty White, Hot in Cleveland

COMEDY ACTRESS
Martha Plimpton, Raising Hope

COMEDY ACTOR
Louis C.K., Louie

COMEDY WRITING
Louie, “Poker/Divorce”

COMEDY DIRECTING
Modern Family, “Halloween”

COMEDY SERIES
Modern Family

DRAMA SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Margo Martindale, Justified

DRAMA SUPPORTING ACTOR
Peter Dinklage, Game of Thrones

DRAMA ACTRESS
Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife

DRAMA ACTOR
Hugh Laurie, House (Happy to get this one wrong! Kyle Chandler! Swoon!)

DRAMA WRITING
FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS, “Always”

DRAMA DIRECTING
BOARDWALK EMPIRE, “Pilot”

DRAMA SERIES
The Good Wife Really? Mad Men only wins HAIRSTYLING and DRAMA SERIES? Really?

Congratulations to all the nominees, and all those who didn’t get nominated, but nonetheless turned in great work this year.

But it’s this week’s awards, especially in this unpredictable year, that are going to really separate the true Emmy prognosticators from the slackers. I am gonig to give my full predictions in my podcast, which should be posted in the next couple of days, but I wanted to use this column to cover some aspects of the judging that have come up for me.

Once again, people do not seem to realize that you rise and fall, or Emmys are given, based on the episodes that you submit. This is true for actors, who submit one of their stellar performances from the season (which is then pitted against other actors also nominated), and it’s true for Series nominations. In both Comedy and Drama Series, the shows put together packages of six episodes. Three tapes, two on each. These are then randomly given to voting members, so they see one of each show, in various combinations, and then vote on which is best. It behooves people, then, to select their best episodes, AND their best shows paired together. Sometimes people seem to forget this.

And if you have storylines that carry over, it’s best to have it make sense. To have self-contained episodes, that aren’t reliant on you knowing the whole season and its intricacies. Lost lost out a few times due to that.

So I wanted to explore what those who’ve been watching TV all season already know. Here’s the way I judge it. You have six episodes. Three of those (by my rating system) have to be an A+ episode to win an Emmy. And even then, they also have to best your competitors’ A+ episodes. You pretty much have to have all A episodes to stay in the game. Anyone with a B episode or lower is out. Simple.

This year, I’ve done something different than I normally do. I’m trying to watch every episode in the Drama Series category that’s been submitted. (In some cases: Boardwalk Empire, Game of Thrones, Friday Night Lights, The Good Wife, Mad Men–it meant catching up with entire seasons of shows I was behind on; in other cases: Dexter–I have stopped watching any because the one I did watch (“Teenage Wasteland” which is a Series submission and Michael C. Hall’s submission) was so dreadful, C+ by my grades, I need go no further. Dexter is out. So is Michael C. Hall. Sorry, pal.

I feel really remiss in the Comedy category, and I may pay for it on Sunday. I am super behind (like more than a season) on both 30 Rock and The Office, so I’m not even factoring those in. I normally hate jumping into a season, without having seen the seasons before, so I’ve been hesitating about The Big Bang Theory, though I probably will watch their eps before Sunday.

The one big question mark is the wonderful show Parks and Recreation. I did catch up with the early seasons and it just keeps getting better and better. However, I have not, and will likely not, caught up with this Season before Sunday. If they win, I’ll be happy for them, but bummed that I didn’t have time to view these eps.

I want to focus in this blog post about two of the Comedy Series competitors that I have been spending quite a bit of time with. One that I think has no chance in hell of winning, and one that I think will win.

First up: Glee. Sigh. What the hell happened to you, Glee? There were so many things about Glee last year that I totally loved, but this year, WOW. It’s, as the kids say: “A hot mess.” That it got nominated astonishes me. (Where is Hot in Cleveland?)

But let’s take a look at it, shall we?

I’m still slogging through it. I have the last six eps to force down. Boy, has it been a tough slog this season. In fact, it’s been so jaw-droppingly awful, I would be hard-pressed to pick the worst moment of the season. Sue Sylvester marrying herself would be right up there. Characters were all over the place, bed-hopping with abandon. Mr. Shue even kissed the football coach (for no apparent reason). Sometimes people were gay, sometimes they weren’t. In much of the beginning of the season, the viciousness and hurtfulness was almost too much to bear. If I didn’t have Emmy predictions to do, I would’ve stopped back then.

Kurt goes to another school, cause he just can’t take the harrassment, then he gets ridiculed and put in his place (in a different way) at his new school. New characters get dropped into the story, also for no apparent reason. Emmy-winning Gwyneth Paltrow, whom I thought was just awful in the episode she won an Emmy for, actually comes back later in the season and redeems herself. Mr. Shue’s wife has all but disappeared. Shue and Emma had a hot wistful romance going at the end of Season 1, then she gets cold feet, then she takes up with AND MARRIES, completely out of the blue, a hot dentist. Then she’s not having sex with him, cause she really still loves Will. Yawn.

Very few parts of what any of these characters do is plausible. Their motivations change like the wind. Even the great dance and song numbers from last season have regressed to Top 40 pandering. The season included tracks from Ke$ha, Justin Bieber and My Chemical Romance instead of last season’s Streisand. (Are you puking yet? I certainly was.) The episode, Original Song, mind-bogglingly one of the episodes they submitted for consideration, included songs written (supposedly) by the students themselves. I think those were even worse than the Bieber stuff.

The lip-synching is out of control. Even Sue Sylvester was dancing and singing in a song. She was the most all over the place this season. She has Cheerios, then she has none. She was on TV, then she wasn’t. She hates Will, then she goes with him to see some sick kids sing, and nearly cries. And if she wins another Emmy this year (which she very likely will) I think I’ll cry. (Listen to my podcast, MBH116, for more on that fiasco.)

But, in the midst of all that real dreck and pablum, there are moments of absolute brilliance. The entire Rocky Horror Glee Show was genius, from start to finish. Shue and Emma do a fabulous “Touch-a, Touch-a, Touch Me” then they all come to their senses and realize, “Oops this is a high school. This is too racy.” So they can’t perform it. Even though they already have.

It’s just stuff like that. Eye-rolling constantly.

But then you have a beat-for-beat recreation of Donald O’Connor’s “Make ‘Em Laugh” which just took my breath away. Excellent stuff.

I also loved how the hot stud falls in love with the “fat chick.” He sings a rowdy and wonderful version of Queen’s “Fat-Bottomed Girls,” which anyone would be complimented to have sung to them, but said girl gets offended. Yet, later in the season, when he sings her a much more offensive song about fatness that he “wrote,” she loves it.

The saddest thing about Glee’s contention at the Emmys is that they didn’t even INCLUDE the Rocky Horror Glee Show as their Emmy submission. So, to my eyes, Glee is out.

GLEE
Tape 1: “Audition” = B/“Silly Love Songs” = A
Tape 2: “Original Song” = C+/”The Substitute” = B+
Tape 3: “Duets” = B/“Never Been Kissed” = A (their strongest tape)

Compare this to a show that, in its second season, only built on and improved the amazing stuff they brought us in their first season. I am talking, of course, about the show I believe will take its second Emmy for Comedy Series: Modern Family.

MODERN FAMILY
Tape 1: “Old Wagon” = A/”Someone to Watch Over Lily” = TBA
Tape 2: “Mother’s Day” = TBA/”Caught in the Act” = TBA
Tape 3: “Manny, Get Your Gun” = A+/”The Kiss” = A (their strongest tape)

Of all these shows featuring earnest handsome leads, Lucas Neff as Jimmy is the best of them. Created by the same talents which brought us the charming and quirky “My Name Is Earl” (Greg Garcia), “Raising Hope” is funny. Laugh out loud funny. The funniest of all these comedies paraded to us during Paley Fest.

I’ll let you discover the little gems on your own, but here’s the family you’ll be watching: the always amazing (and I predict an Emmy in her future right here and now) Martha Plimpton as the mom, Garret Dillahunt (whom you know from “Deadwood” and other dramas) is the dad. Cloris Leachman frequently takes her clothes off as the grandmother.

It’s sweet, it’s poignant, it’s damn funny. You must watch it. In fact, if you watch one thing you weren’t otherwise going to watch from the Paley Fest schedule, make it this one. It follows “Glee,” but it’s much funnier.

Did I mention there’s a baby? Normally, I hate babies, but this baby rocks. Watch it.

BOTTOM LINE: “Raising Hope” is the highlight of Paley Fest 2010 fall season.

Well, as it turns out, pretty much everything. Whereas “Arrested Development” was a delectable comedy that you could watch over and over and still laugh at new jokes, “Running Wilde” feels like a forced mess. Will Arnett is supposed to be playing a spoiled rich guy, something he excels at (and was pretty much his stock in trade on both “AD” and “30 Rock”). Kerri Russell plays the do-gooder environmentalist, fighting Arnett’s big oil company. What’s not to like?

You know how in finely tuned comedia dell’arte, characters rush around the stage in perfect timing, the timing of everything alone is what makes you laugh, in addition to what they are saying? Well, this is the opposite of that. Everyone is running around, slapstick like. But not in a funny way, just in an annoying way.

The only likeable characters are Arnett’s and Russell’s and those are marginal.

Oh yes, and let’s not forget that the whole shebang is narrated by Russell’s daughter, Puddle. *eyeroll*

No, this was such a mess that I won’t be revisiting it at all. The only real upside is that, for once, the focus of the show isn’t Kerri Russell’s hair. Small comfort.

BOTTOM LINE: Leave this “Running Wilde” in its puddle.

Really didn’t know anything about this series before sitting down to watch “Lone Star,” the first entry in Fox’s night of new TV. Well, other than it’s set in Texas, of course.

So here’s the gist. Handsome and sexy James Wolk is a con man who works with his dad, David Keith. He’s married to lovely and rich Adrianne Palicki (who can’t seem to get out of Texas, and looks WAY different than she did on “Friday Night Lights”). Palicki’s rich dad, Jon Voight, offers the young buck a job at the oil company he owns.

But the man can’t seem to get out of his mind the other woman, Eloise Mumford. So, SPOILER ALERT, at the end of the episode, he marries her.

In “Big Love,” it’s one guy married to three (or is it four now?) women. All the women know each other and get along. In this one, the women don’t even cross paths (well, not yet anyway). And the man just travels a lot. Not sure how I feel about this bigamy trend. Guess it’s better than the electroshock torture that the previous Fox timeslot owner had been dispensing.

BOTTOM LINE: Pretty to look at, but are we interested?

Some good actors in the cast (Len Cariou, Bobby Cannavale, Donnie Wahlberg, Bridget Moynahan, Will Estes). Not enough other stuff to remain interested, so I bailed on this screening.

Also, I’d heard that Selleck sees this as a “family drama,” while the showrunner sees it as “a procedural.” Blech.

BOTTOM LINE: Dunno. I skipped out of “Blue Bloods.”

I’ve long admired Melissa McCarthy, who was the devoted friend of Lauren Graham’s character on the many years of “Gilmore Girls.” She was also the devoted friend on the recent Christina Applegate comedy, “Samantha Who?” (Are we seeing a pattern here?)

BOY, and I mean, BOY, am I excited to see her finally headlining her own show. She’s long been an underrated talent. Billy Gardell, primarily known from the standup world, seems to be her match. A strong supporting cast includes Swoozie Kurtz.

The fat jokes may get tiresome after a while, but the pilot (with Chuck Lorre’s influence) was a sparkling gem.

BOTTOM LINE: This is the one show I rushed home to program into my TiVo.

The show reveals like a standard-issue procedural. Some courtroom wackiness reminiscent of David E. Kelley. Lots of cool Vegas shots.

But really, if you wanted to watch a good courtroom show, “The Good Wife” is already a jewel in CBS’s crown, having scored that Best Drama Emmy nom this year. “The Defenders” sure isn’t gonna do that. And really, how many care so passionately about Vegas that they want to watch it for all the in-jokes?

BOTTOM LINE: Myself? I’d fold on this one.

You really almost can’t go wrong with Shatner. Everyone loves Shatner. If there’s a male to rival Betty White in popularity and longevity, it’s Shatner. (However, her series, “Hot in Cleveland” on TV Land, is much funnier.)

In any case, this is pretty much a standard-issue comedy. Shatner plays irrascible, ornery dad, and Jonathan Sadowski plays the frustrated son. Will Sasso and Nicole Sullivan are in the mix.

BOTTOM LINE: Funny, but don’t go out of your way for it.

Here’s the logline: “Alias,” but with a couple. A sexy black couple.

That’s really all you need to know. They used to be spies, but they quit. They are lured back to rescue a friend. And oh, they discover that they really liked all that spy stuff, so they get pulled back in. But is everyone really who they say they are?

And they have the wacky friend who’s helping them, decoding things, and making sure they have planes and cover stories. (I so do miss Kevin Weisman in those moments.) This new guy is no Kevin Weisman.

Ah, but if you loved Alias and miss it, this may get you all warm and fuzzy all over. After all, JJ Abrams wrote this pilot and produced the show.

They have spies in great outfits, hopping all over the globe. (Or what passes for all over the globe, with fancy Photoshopping.) Leads who spew off great accents and languages on a moment’s notice. And who (both man and woman) take their clothes off, to showcase great bodies.

“Under covers” (as in bed, get it?) and spies “under covers.” (Get it?) *eyeroll*

Sure, if you like that sort of thing, you’ll like this show. I give it the longest shelf life of the four for those reasons. There are some hardcore Alias fans out there.

My friend, however, summed up my feelings for it, as we entered the car. “At least there’s no Rambaldi,” he said.

“Yet,” I said.

BOTTOM LINE: Alias with a couple does have a lot of advantages. But no Kevin Weisman.

Next up, NBC’s “Chase.”

Kinda sorta like “The Fugitive” meets TV procedural. We have our crack staff of good guys, US marshalls, who go about rounding up bad guys that others have trouble catching. Person X is wanted at the beginning of the show. They keep missing him (or her, at some point, I imagine) through the whole show. Chasing, chasing. Guess what? At the end of the show, bad guy/girl is apprehended. YAWN.

Of the four NBC shows that Paley Center was showing, I hated them all. I hated “Chase” the most, though. The lead, thankfully, is a woman. She lets you know right away that her daddy done her wrong, and that’s why she’s now in this thankless business she’s in.

She can hogtie a bad guy in seconds flat, even a really nasty one. She can fight with some moves underwater that guys don’t have on land. Yep. She does it all. And she sings a good Waylon Jennings song.

She’s also joined by a crack staff (of course). Jesse Metcalfe (whom I never really liked, but at least was more interesting on “Desperate Housewives,” where he was taking off his shirt constantly) is out of his league here.

The violence is brutal and graphic. The bad guy they were chasing at least had nice blue eyes. His acting was actually more memorable than most of the regulars in this show. Which is too bad, because he’s been chased down. It’s on to a new perp next episode.

BOTTOM LINE: If every episode is about these people chasing one guy who eludes them, and he’s caught at the end, this is not a show I’ll be watching. Yawn.

I was trying to decide, during the first half hour, which was more annoying.

The fact that, “Lost”-like, you don’t know what in the frack “The Event” is? Or the fact that every two minutes (or less) you get title cards like this: “Six Weeks Earlier.” “Five Minutes Later.” “Two Days Before.” “Eighteen Hours Previous.” I’m so not kidding. There are so many, in such quick succession, that’s it’s really difficult to figure out where the hell we are and when.

Don’t get me wrong. There was a lot of madness going on in “Lost,” with flash-forwards, and flash-backwards, and flash-sideways. But I could always tell where we were. In the pilot for “The Event,” they lost me by the third title card. And I couldn’t care by the third title card.

There were a couple of things which made me take notice for a minute, though. Blair Underwood (good actor) plays the president. Zeljko Ivanek (great actor! Did you see his death scene in “Damages”?!!!) plays an evil henchman in the White House. And Laura Innes (we loved her on “ER” all those years) plays someone… not really sure who she is yet, but she’s pretty integral to the plot. And they had some pretty cool special effects toward the end of the pilot.

But it’s too ham-fisted, too awkward, too on the nose, too “who cares?” for me. I don’t think I care to find out what exactly The Event is, or who these people are that they are holding, and why they are stealing planes, and who the bad guys are or who the good guys are. I don’t care. At least on “Lost,” as crazy and convoluted as that plot got, I did care. From the very first frame.

BOTTOM LINE: Despite the gravitas of some great actors, this is no “Lost.”

First up, NBC.

I admit. I have a bit of a chip on my shoulder about NBC. The whole Jay Leno-Conan O’Brien debacle still leaves a smarting feeling when I even hear the word “NBC.” That, and it’s firmly entrenched in fourth place. For good reason. “Outsourced” does nothing to alleviate that bad taste in my mouth.

Don’t get me wrong. There are some good, funny actors on “Outsourced.” But really, 16 million Americans are out of work. Are they really going to find it funny to see a show about those who took their jobs? Really?

I tried. I really tried to see the funny in this show. As the offensive stereotypes and racist insults flew by, I tried to see that, well, at least they were using a more diverse cast than they normally do on network TV. But no. As much as the moderator of tonight’s events tried to put the spin on it as “at its core, it’s just another workplace comedy,” um, no. It isn’t. This is no “The Office.”

It’s insulting to Indians (or as my ethnic-slurring friend calls them, “dot Indians, not feather Indians). It’s insulting to Americans. They even throw in Australians. I’m waiting for the “shrimp on the barbie” jokes. Really, NBC. Haven’t we moved past all this?

BOTTOM LINE: I tried to like “Outsourced.” I still hated “Outsourced.”